you're gonna be in trouble if i'm not happy
Jul. 23rd, 2004
09:31 pm - ....love...?
I am glad it can not happen twice, the fever of first love. For it is a fever, and a burden, too, whatever the poets may say. They are not brave, the days when we are eighteen. They are full of little cowardices, little fears without foundation, and one is so easily bruised, so swiftly wounded, one falls to the first barbed word. Today, wrapped in the complacent armour of approaching middle age, infinitesimal pricks of day by day brush one but lightly are soon forgotten, but then- how a careless word would linger, becoming a fiery stigma, and how a look, a glance over a shoulder, branded themselves as things eternal. A denial heralded the thrice crowing of a cock, and an insincerity was like the kiss of Judas. The adult mind can lie with untroubled conscience and a gay composure, but in those days even a small deception scoured the tongue, lashing one at the stake.
Jul. 18th, 2004
...i'm moving back to denver! k, i'm sure absolutely noone cares about that, but i am very excited. i've got a full-time job up there and its gonna be good. can't wait. i really don't know who reads my entries, but if anyone does, i have news that you probably already know...eric and i broke up. ummmmm, i'm going to write about it right now. this is not an entry to send hidden messages to him or anything. i'm gonna tell it like it is and what happened and everything...so, here it goes. i went up to hang out with lisa, bc i hadnt seen her forever and i never hang out with friends, and i really needed a girls night. so we went out to shop and a movie, and got some food, and when i got back to her house i talked to eric and he was very upset about something that had nothing to do with me and he told me he just can't handle our relationship so he broke up with me. mind you, eric and i had been on some rocky ground with what had happened with jenny and stuff and i had really put a lot of value to our relationship no matter what he had done. i really wanted to make it work, no matter how hard it was to trust him or forgive him or just to get over the hurt, but i knew i wanted to make things good again. so, when he broke up with me over nothing i felt that he took for granted how much i was dedicated to our relationship. after all the times i had been dumped, i felt like i seriously had just had enough. it's not fun to get broken up with, and for as often as he broke up withme, maybe he didnt take it seriously, but i did. maybe he thought well, we'll get back together but when he breaks up with me i am thinking oh my god we're never getting back together, and so i spend the next few days really upset. it's not fun. i think i just got burned out this last time. i still cared about eric very much and still loved him, but in a way my feelings were beginning to change. i just felt that if it was that easy to break up with me and expect ME to beg him to take me back, then he just doesn't respect me. soooo, i didn't ask for him back and in a short time, he was asking me back. funny how that works out, huh? anyways, yeah i was telling him that things needed to change and i just didn't feel like he cared about this relationship deep down if he can break up with me so easily. i just got a very new perspective on our relationship...maybe a more clear one. i was suddenly finding my friends again and realizing how much some people do care about me and how i needed to create much more of a balance in my life. so i started to, and it has really worked out for me. i went to the fear show with lisa and max and it was really fun. eric was there and he was upset and left crying. he was having a hard time with our break up. anyways, lisa and i hung out with fear and gatsby's over at becca's house later that night and one thing led to another and adam and i kissed. ooooops. huge mistake for several reasons. i was not over eric and i definitely still had feelings for him. why do some guys understand the words "me and my boyfriend just broke up. i'm not ready for anything with anyone else. " anyways, i'm not going to get in to full detail about who made what move on who, but we kissed. and now we both regret it very much. when eric found out he was very upset. i felt horrible and didnt mean to hurt him nor did i want to. i messed up. adam and i messed up. anyways, off and on through this brekaup, i have felt that eric and i will be together again eventually, but that is no longer. he is too upset about adam and i kissing to care about a future between us. i maybe could understand his feelings if i had decided that i wasnt going to ever be with him again after i found out about him and jenny, which was not just a kiss, but thats not how i felt or acted, so i dont understand him. so, we've decided to just get over eachother. and he's hoping to find someone who will never upset him, and hopefully eventually i will find someone who truly loves and respects me. we were together for nearly a year and a half. i have learned a lot from him and a lot about life. i'm not leaving this situation empty handed nor with my head down. there are some good things happening in my life that are very excited, and for the first time in a long time, i feel wanted by other people, not just romantically. it's been nice. i finally have a friend to hang out with in the springs, and i think we're going to go out and do something tonight. it'll be fun. a lot of family has just recently moved to the area, so that has been very exciting. i'm just very excited about life right now. i smile a lot!!!! more than i have for a long time. anyways, i am finding that i have much more free time on my hands and so i would love to hang out with any of you if anyone reads this. just give me a call. precious ones, have a wonderful day!
Jul. 14th, 2004
Jul. 8th, 2004
mmmmmmmmmmgood morning. just got back from california last night and it was so much fun. but i'll get to that in a minute. ok, i write a lot about my dreams on this thing, so here's another one. i hope it doesn't get too icky or graphic. i went with my friend in my dream to go have her baby. she went into labor in the middle of the night and so i took her to this lady who was going to deliver her baby. but all the lady did was leave her alone and check back every 10 minutes to see if my friend had had the baby or not. we were left in this large empty room in a downtown building. it looked like a warehouse. and there was this guy in the room with us too the entire time and he just sat there, watched us, and made a comment every few minutes. anyways, i was really frustrated about the situation with the lady not helping my friend deliver her baby, so i went outside to just get out of that room for a minute. i was pacing around ooutside under this street light that had an orange-tinted bulb. while i was out there my entire body felt weird all of a sudden and i had this huge urge to throw up, so i did, but i didn't feel any better. i ended up giving birth to a baby!!! i didnt even know i was pregnant in my dream so it was really weird. i was in shock and took this baby inside and found the nurse lady and cleaned the baby up for me and wrapped it in a blanket and handed it to me. i thought it was dead when i had it i thought it was dead but then when she handed it to me, it was breathing. it was a girl. this moment in my dream seemed so real. bc i remember tinking that nothing had ever been so fragile or precious as this little baby. she just snuggled up to my chest and slept while i held her. it was the best feeling in the world! this sounds so corny bc it was a dream, but she was so beautiful and god i dont know. anyways, it was a pretty cool dream. i have a ton of pregnancy dreams, but i dont usually actually have the baby in my dream. pregnancy dreams or baby dreams usually freak me out, but this one was so good. i had to share that. anyways....california. i had a blast! first day we went to my cousin's wedding. my aunt called my mom 4 hours before the wedding was supposed to start and asked my mom and i to decorate her son's wedding. i have seriously decorated 5 weddings with my mom! so, it was no biggy(kinda last minute though) but we went up there to decorate and finished it and i was so glad i could help out my cousin...but his new demon wife was not so welcome to ask me to decorate her wedding. nonetheless we did it. i really dont like this girl. her name is sarahmina. and she has split personalities and she just married the sweetest most loving guy in the world and she's just going to walk all over him...i had to vent. k, then we had like 6 family barbecues...and i seriously dont think i'll eat another hamburger or hot dog for the rest of the summer. but it was really nice to be around family. i spent the night with my cousins who just graduated this year. that was kinda fun, but we started watching gothika and one of them fell asleep and the other one is my pschyzophrenic cousin and i was watching gothika with her at 2 in the morning, i was scared. umm, we went to venice beach and shopped a lot and went to ikea(my favorite place). then me and my mom missed our flight bc we were shopping and so went had some time to spare at LAX so we went to the restaurant at the top of that space ship looking thing right outside the airport. anyone familiar with LAX will know what i'm talking about. it was really expensive and i didnt like the food. so here i am back in colorado dreaming about having babies.
the night before i left for cali, fear had a show. it was really good. eric left upset and it made me sad. the show was really good and i was glad to see everyone that was there. afterwards, me and lisa went to becca's to hang out at the "after party." haha jk, but fear(minues brandon) was there and gatsby's was there too. it was a lot of fun, lisa was impressed at how one of the guys from gatsbys knew all the words to the entire kanye west cd. it was actually pretty entertaining. there were some good laughs and all of those people are such good company. i had a blast. max needed to be there though. then i got in trouble for not telling my mom that i was going to be home later. it was kinda funny being scolded again. but me and my mom worked things out and i wont keep her up waiting for me like that again cuz i felt terrible.
ummm thats pretty much all i have to say.
Jul. 1st, 2004
04:30 pm - show me how i benefit
What's up all my party people?!?! It's gorgeous outside. Just got back from laying out, but I think i'm still pretty white. But i figured i'd try to take advantage of one of the few days that actually feel like summer lately. It has been way too cold and grey lately. Ah so anyways. Lisa and I hung out earlier this week for the first time in a while and that was such a good time. We went and got gelato(apricot for me), then we saw Saved(great movie about rollerskates and uh "I'm the father....i'm the boyfriend...I'm HIS boyfriend"), then got some food at Paris on The Plizatte, then went back to her house and got dumped. I really don't like Paris on The Platte sometimes. I'm always there like super late at night when I should probably be in bed instead of spending money on a fourth meal at 2 in the morning. Anyways, it was absolutely lovely as always chilling with the Lis. She showed me all her pictures from Cancun and it made me want to go so bad. I'm so proud of that girl, she is so well-rounded and very accomplished. Great girl. And then last night I hung out with Max and some of his school buds. That was fun. We went back to his house and hung out for a while. We talked some about all our memories and they were all from a really long time ago and I realized how much more I need to hang out with him. He's a good friend with a very sweet spirit. Love him! So tomorrow night me and max and lisa and possibly chelsea are going to go see Fear together. That should be fun. It will be just like old times. We made some other plans for hanging out too that I'm really looking forward to. Talked to Adam today for the first time in forever. He seems like he's doing well. I don't think I've seen him since Becca's house. It'll be cool to see everyone tomorrow night. Alright, well I should probably take a shower bc I'm really gross. For anyone who reads this, have a good day.
Jun. 20th, 2004
well, i am a loser. last night i sat at home watching pbs. haha, it's sounds worse than it was. i was really really tired from working a double shift at satan's secret, so it was nice just chilling for a bit.....and pbs was pretty damn interesting last night. first they had a show about these amateur astronomers. they are a bunch of older dudes who are in their t-shirts and jeans and pearl harbor caps sitting out in the middle of nowhere with their 1991 F-150 trucks with the stripes and a small trailer pulled behind it. honestly they all looked the same and talked the same...well most of them. but they all had incredible telescopes that a lot of them built on their own. they're all kinda camping out in the middle of the day out in what it looked like to be colorado. probably somewhere in the mountains. they sat around during the days eating popeye's waiting for night to come so they could look at the stars. but not just stars, planets, galaxies, the milky way too. it was incredible! they had their telescopes on a stand that turned the same angles that the orbit was turning...i dont think i explained that right but it was cool how he built it to follow everything in the sky. some of the guys had brought their wives along and they talked about how romantic it is to look at the sky together. some of them even blow up air mattresses and lay on them looking at the stars. ooooh-lala....how romantic! it was really sweet. but it was just incredible to see some of these pictures and i was reminded of the same stuff that i learned and saw at the museum of natural history in new york in their rose center planetarium. i saw this show at that planetarium called something like "the search for life"...so it showed all these stars and galaxies and told everyone how the milky way is one galaxy of billions of galaxies. how could we be alone when you think about those numbers? i dunno, i was convinced that there is other life. i actually thought about it a lot when i first heard how large our universe is. along with coming to the conclusion that we're not alone, i decided that it's probably not too important to know for sure if there is life or not bc we've been ok for all this time on our own not knowing for sure or having contact with them. anyways, i was just reminded about all that when i watched this show. i was also reminded how amazing and large creation is. it's really incredible. yeah so by the end of the show i decided i was going to take up astronomy. it looked very relaxing.
next, on pbs....
fleetwood mac in concert! i love it when they show them live. they do it like every 2 1/2 months. oh god, i love stevie nicks. she has such a seamless voice with such a distinct tone. it's gorgeous. she's the best. i love how she dresses half way between a hippie and a witch. and then she grabs that tambourine with all the ribbons hanging from it and dances around on stage like she's doing somekind of ritual, spreading a curse all around the stage. very entertaining. and then lyndsey buckingham is so talented. he's incredible. i want to go see fleetwood mac in concert soooo bad, so does eric. maybe i'll get tickets for us. stevie and lyndsey need to get back together! stevie even dedicated "landslide" to lyndsey last night. she said it was the first time she had dedicated it to him and told everyone that she wrote it for and about him. awwwwww!!!!!!! and then he played guitar while she sang it and he just stared at her for most of the song...love is beautiful isnt it?!
ok, well that was my evening, i'm sure all of your weekends have been much more exciting than mine. chelsea, i had a dream about you the other night. it was kinda a funny one...hey you should look up in your dictionary what it means to have dreams about verbal fighting, or physical fighting, or me killing someone in a dream. i didn't kill YOU in my dream nor did i fight with YOU, haha. anyways, have a good father's day all.
Jun. 19th, 2004
i die this night
and restrain from safety
maybe life's worth living
there could be good things soon
but soon came and left
..."soon" is a lie
yeah so selfish
but hunger has departed my nature
its this or i'll rot
infront of lush
i'd like to think this thought
was more distant than it is
i'm so envious of joy and light
and all that it touches
cause i've been told that i don't deserve
and now i believe them
all i want is sleep
and all i need is you
but i do believe those things
you spoke to my heart
that i gave loneliness a new face
but not tonight
this night i rest with my father
Jun. 12th, 2004
when i was a little girl i thought i'd be my prettiest at 19. i would be the happiest in life at the age of 19. i thought that at 19 girls become princesses. and this thought consumed my mind quite often. i couldn't wait to be 19. 19, 19, 19...it sounds stupid but i really envied my future self and couldnt wait to become the princess that i was supposed to be. i am 18 years, 10 months, and 12 days old. i'm glad that when i was little i didn't know that i was going to be so far from being a princess and far from being my happiest in life at the time i turn 19. i'd rather be depressed NOW bc i'm so much of my own disappointment than know how things would turn out and have my sweet little dreams be crushed when i was little. i really loved thinking about being 19. i liked to think about being pretty and happy and having life go exactly how i planned it. i still have a dream for myself though, kind of a fantasy. that i'm actually still that little girl who has those expectations about my future. and that i've been sleeping the past 14 years of my life. and its been one long slumber filled with a path of life which i started off on the right foot but gradually hit a slippery slope into a place that i never imagined i would be at. i never imagined that to be MY life. and my fantasy is that this dream is actually the best gift God could give me...the insight of knowing that to become the happy, beautiful princess that i thought i'd be, i'd have to make different choices than in my long dream. and soon, very soon, i'll wake up from this dream and go back to a time when i was a little girl. when my dad was here and he'd hold me one last time and i'd look at him so i could remember his eyes and the way he smelled and his smile and what his voice sounded like when he said my name. and i would never say those certain things to my mother to hurt her so bad and i'd trust what she tells me. and i wouldnt let myself be deceived by so many things. i would stay naive and innocent for much longer. and i'd have better self esteem. and i'd know when to jump at opportunities that would never come around again. and by eventually making atleast most of the right decisions, i'd be here...18 years, 10 months, and 12 days old thinking how excited i am to start the most enchanting year of my life. i loved being a child. i really did. i was a dreamer then and i'm a bigger dreamer now.
Jun. 11th, 2004
We're all here but it seems like you've disappeared lately
Maybe for something bigger than us
But I know you're lonelier than ever
Wondering when life can be better being on your own
Hoping for life to give you a relieving break
When all I want to do is kiss your tearfilled eyes
Sealing them with hope
And I'd truly give you anything
But you stay in the hole you've made
Waiting to be buried
Waiting for the ground to embrace you
Companionships with the dead earth
And disappear from us into a memory
Of happiness and joy that you once owned
You've become a tragedy
This stone will mark your name
But can't quite tell us when you died
Go ahead and let yourself rot
And we'll be here waiting
12:57 am - longafternighthascometoclaimanylightthatstillremainsfromthecorneroftheframethatyouputaroundherface.
is there ever a point in your life when you feel like you've just been forgotten by everyone? or maybe you've messed up the few friendships you had and you feel kinda lonely but really left behind...maybe a little overseen? and really sad. and you feel like what you DO have is hanging on by a thread and then you could be left with nothing if it doesnt work out. you invest all of yourself in a few things that don't seem to be investing in you. do you ever feel like you are left with no promises in life? you arent promised to be happy...and youre not promised to be successful or even satisfied...and you realize that the only certain thing in life is that it is yours to make what you want of it in congruency with what life gives you...the things you dont control. but do you ever feel like all you're ever doing is trying to recover from life and you're never actually enjoying it or living it? and what you really need is someone who sincerely loves you. whose love has no boundaries and it has no terms. and they encourage you and they try to make you enjoy life a little more than you think you can. hello! this is what family is. this doesnt mean that it's all or any of you're biological family, but those individuals who love you unconditionally are your family, whoever they are........
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